This should have been posted long ago but I just couldn't do it before now..... It's been a year since my hell began and I know it will get easier but right now that is hard to see...
How can you tell someone that is going thorough the worst time in their lives to stay strong when you yourself are a emotional mess? I'm not taking away from their pain not for a second but I do ask myself that right now as people keep saying it to me over and over this past week. Aren't the worse moments in your life the times when your allowed to be a mess, when your allowed to not want to get dressed and go and live your day? I'm not saying this going on for months on end is OK either but when it is this fresh who has the right to judge you? This is difficult enough with out people calling you and crying and telling you to be strong. How about you call me and ask me how I am and just let me cry on your shoulder instead of me being strong for you. Hold me and tell me that this sucks the big one and you know what I'm here for you and it's OK to be a mess and it's OK to cry and not know what to do with yourself.
It's hard enough to loose one parent but both in less then three months, I don't even know how to express that loss. I don't even know how I feel myself, I don't even know how I'm getting through the day. What is worse is everything that has to be done but not just that there is no help to do it. It falls on the two of us still standing and the people who are supposed to be there for you are not. Everyone expects things from you and want things from you. There are many decisions to make and your not in the state of mind to make them, deciding if you want coffee or tea is a challenge, let alone who is going to care for your grandmother.
You realize who is really there for you in times like these, who you can call to cry with. Who will take you out for a coffee to distract you and let you talk about what ever it is you want to talk about until 1 in the morning and never asking once for information or anything in return.
It's crazy how much something like this can change your life. Yes the person is gone but it changes so much more. Everything is going to change and a lot has already changed. On the positive side I have discovered who I can rely on and some of those friendships have become rock solid in these last few months. I'm even surprised at who has been there for me and who has been able to hold me up.
I miss you both so so much.....
