Lonely but not alone....

This week ends in a mix of emotions... This is not something new for me.... I lie in bed lonely yet again... How is this possible? How is it the man I want most to be there for me is here in his office and I feel alone? We are married but lately it doesn't feel like that....

Friday I got stood up by someone I've been talking to a lot... I'm not even surprised really... And now I haven't heard from him since Wednesday.... Was silly to think someone might be interested in me... That it could have turned into something fun... I've got a message written for him and I just can't send it... I want to tell him he sucks  especially since he's the one who's been pushing to meet me....

Then there is Him, finally got to see Him again this week... It's been a long time but it was amazing... I cannot stop replaying that night in my head... This time was different with him... We had time... We got to really enjoy each other... He said things to me that He never said before... The way He stopped and looked into my eyes...

So yet again I'm lying in bed listening to the rain outside and I know He's hearing it too lying in bed just a few streets away... The train goes by between us... And I hear the fire trucks which I know He hears as well from his bed...  The difference is he's not thinking of me because he's not lonely... He's lying next to his wife his child down the hall... and me I'm alone in bed my husband ignoring me.... I've lost count of how many nights end like this.... Two empty rooms down the hall that are not likely to even have my child in them....

So again I cry into the night... Not wanting to feel alone anymore.....

I pod strikes again ... Ok not the I pod but slacker radio!!!

    So once again I find myself  listening to music, this is not unusual for me I either have my iPod going, the satellite radio or my new addiction slacker radio on my iPhone...

     This time is a little different though I have so much on my mind while I'm packing for the big move to the new house, that I barely hear the music playing in the background. I'm worrying about getting everything done for Saturday's big move, thinking of what still needs to be done to finish up the estate, what needs to be done about my Grandmother, my impending trip to New Brunswick, the conversation I had with a friend the night before.... 

     And of course Him... Yes the one with the capital H... Him... the one I'm not supposed to think of, the one I shouldn't want to be with... Him... The one I haven't seen since March... The one I wonder if I'll every get to see again... Him... The one I miss so much... The one I would give just about anything to be with right now... Him... The one who cheered me on yesterday when I told Him I had gotten the keys to my new house... The one who gave me a virtual hug when I needed it after leaving my grandmother's...the one who called me Hun yesterday!?!.... That was just odd that never has happened since... Well NEVER!!! Never has he called me by anything but my name....

     Hun... Does He realize how that made me feel... Don't get me wrong I'm not in love with Him... But I do love Him... I know this sounds contradictory but let me explain... As far as I'm concerned there are different kinds of love... The way you love your parents, your siblings, your spouse, your friends.... Those are all different... What I feel for Him is a variation of that... Did he know how badly at that moment I needed to hear that He cared... For some reason He seems to always know... Hun... So simple yet so meaningful... I know I know some people Hun everyone... But He does not... His "I'm sorry Hun" yesterday, if sincere.... Said I care for you... And honestly that was almost as good as a hug.... Almost!

     I try to stop thinking about Him... Because I know no matter what I will not get to see Him before August if at all.... He's on vacation next week and then I'm away... I finally move on to other things and start preparing to go to The Nasty Show.... I'm in the shower and this song comes on...

     This song I haven't heard in years... This song I once really enjoyed and would even say I loved... This song someone had put on a mixed CD for me years ago... Because he thought it was about us... Well today I realize it's about me and Him... It's the same song as years ago but it's a different him, a different circumstance, and a different time in my life but it speaks as loudly as before... Maybe even more so with Him now!!!

     Hearing the song makes me miss Him even more... Our busy lives are getting in the way of seeing each other... I guess that's the case when your meeting up on stolen time... Hopefully moving closer to Him may help... Not that that is the reason I'm moving... The song reminds me of the rush of meeting up... Reminds me of the "rules" we set forth... Reminds me off the fact that I broke one of them and  that upsets me because I feel that I betrayed Him in doing so... Reminds me of the promises we made to each other... 

      All comes back to Him... I miss Him... I want to be with Him... I want to sneak away with Him... The one like me that has so much to hide... So much too loose... MY DIRTY LITTLE SECRET!!!

I can't be strong right now ... and you just have to accept that....

This should have been posted long ago but I just couldn't do it before now..... It's been a year since my hell began and I know it will get easier but right now that is hard to see...

How can you tell someone that is going thorough the worst time in their lives to stay strong when you yourself are a emotional mess? I'm not taking away from their pain not for a second but I do ask myself that right now as people keep saying it to me over and over this past week. Aren't the worse moments in your life the times when your allowed to be a mess, when your allowed to not want to get dressed and go and live your day? I'm not saying this going on for months on end is OK either but when it is this fresh who has the right to judge you? This is difficult enough with out people calling you and crying and telling you to be strong. How about you call me and ask me how I am and just let me cry on your shoulder instead of me being strong for you. Hold me and tell me that this sucks the big one and you know what I'm here for you and it's OK to be a mess and it's OK to cry and not know what to do with yourself.

It's hard enough to loose one parent but both in less then three months, I don't even know how to express that loss. I don't even know how I feel myself, I don't even know how I'm getting through the day. What is worse is everything that has to be done but not just that there is no help to do it. It falls on the two of us still standing and the people who are supposed to be there for you are not. Everyone expects things from you and want things from you. There are many decisions to make and your not in the state of mind to make them, deciding if you want coffee or tea is a challenge, let alone who is going to care for your grandmother.

You realize who is really there for you in times like these, who you can call to cry with. Who will take you out for a coffee to distract you and let you talk about what ever it is you want to talk about until 1 in the morning and never asking once for information or anything in return.

It's crazy how much something like this can change your life. Yes the person is gone but it changes so much more. Everything is going to change  and a lot has already changed. On the positive side I have discovered who I can rely on and some of those friendships have become rock solid in these last few months. I'm even surprised at who has been there for me and who has been able to hold me up.

I miss you both so so much.....

My IPod is a Psychic

It's funny how things happen sometimes... How the simplest thing like driving to work and putting your iPod on shuffle can lead to a holy crap moment....I sometimes like putting my iPod on shuffle during the longer drives to work because songs you haven't heard in years come up and bring back memories of good times with friends or of times you just needed to cry the pain out to a song... Sometimes it's just a wow haven't heard this song in years and forgot it existed....

Today was a little different... Today I heard, "This is a Call" by Thousand Foot Crutch... A song I haven't heard in years ... And for the first time I actually heard it... Like really listened to the words... It's almost like it was written about me about this specific time in my life... These words describe exactly what is going through my head that I could never say, or have said in bits to different people because I can't tell it all to one person there is just too many layers and too many secrets, secrets that are not only mine to share....

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong,

but she still sleeps with her light on,

and she acts like

It's all right on, as she smiles again and her mother lies there sick with cancer,

and her friends don't understand her,

she's a question without answers,

who feels like falling apart.

She knows, she's so much more than worthless,

but she needs to find her purpose,

she wonders what she did to deserve this and..

She's calling out to you, this is a call; this is a call out,

'Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you,

and I'm losing all control now, and my hazard signs are all out,

I'm asking you, to show me what this life is all about.